The mental stress of an often thankless job

I've been a police officer for 5 years now.  I've seen it all- seen victims of all ages, genders, nationalities and everything in between.  I seen the face of true criminals, those who don't care and never will.  I've seen the faces of those who felt no other way but to make a bad choice.  I've seen the most entitled people think their bank accounts hold them and their entire family above all others including rule of law.  I've seen the simplest of people doing good things.  But above all, lately, I've seen hate.  Hate for me, more so what I stand for that me personally, but somehow that makes it personal to some people.

I've tried to find an outlet for the mental/emotional baggage I've been developing due to the current events and mass negativity targeted to law enforcement.  I've been subject to unfair judgement and the status of "outcast" in my own family because of my profession.  They probably don't even realize it.  I've taken comments on social media from people who were long-time friends, unfortunately we no longer are.

I've had dreams about quitting the LE world and going back into the office life.  The dreams seemed so positive and mostly stress free. But then I hear what I believe my father would tell me, not to let the bastards get ya down and I know he's right, my dad was always right.

Things are tough inside and out in the LE world.  I work for a small department where it seems that getting promoted is difficult and getting a raise is next to impossible.  I'm told I should be making more, at least at this stage in my career, yet the concept of starting over- at the bottom is as scary as leaving the profession altogether.

My department has now been involved in two officer involved shootings, one resulted in a friend's murder, the other- the loss of a suspect.  Not many small cities in Utah can say that, now we are part of the club and will most likely see protests and the like in our city.  I know what i'm thinking and it has something along the lines of it being worth it all or not, the the scale tipping towards the negative.

But, when all is said and done, I am many things imperfect, but at this stage in my life i'm not a quitter.  I'll pull out of the river of negativity and keep on keepin' on.  I read a post once that lays out the stages of a police officer.  I'm in stage two- the angry stage.  Its described as where cops hate everything, people, media, their bosses and all that.  Supposedly it lasts from around year four to seven. So I really only have to survive a few more years and I should be back in the swing of things.

Until then, I guess I can look forward to my own annoying whining and complaining, a probably change in employers and a strong search for quality time outside of work.  I'm not the most religious person in the world, but this is one of those times i'm looking towards that greater power to help get me through the low parts and help me keep the faith in what i'm doing.  After all, how many of us embark on a journey for the best and find out its not what we bargained for and maybe the best was several miles back.  I hope it doesn't lead to that.

Here's to that.

Mountain Driving

One of my familys favorite things to do is go for a ride in the mountains. There is just something that is serene about it. We drove up through immigration Canyon to East Canyon. On our drive up the Canyons we didn't see anything but beautiful mountains. On our way back home we saw 4 fawns and 2 does and we saw an owl. I have never seen a owl in the wild. At first I thought it was a fake owl. hee hee So I had Mike pull the car over to take a closer look at it. As I approached this animal, it suddenly turned its head all the way around.That was weird to see. Then I was completely blown away at the beauty of the animal. I snapped a picture while it was on the post, I tried to get a closer shot of it, but it lifted its wings and pooped right in front of me and flew across the street to a tree. Well that should teach me,but it doesn't. I crossed the street and went under the tree where is was hanging out and got a really pretty picture of it. My kids thought it was so cool to see a wild owl, fawn,(with their white spots still on) and the doe. I am excited to see what our next mountain drive will bring.

Self photography

I was scanning through my camera and came upon these delightful pictures. Kids are so funny. I love the self portraits. ha ha Yes that is Amanda wearing my high heels, She runs in those...note to self don't race her in heels, she'll win. :) Cameron's buddy bear is the one stuffed animal that goes everywhere with him, I thought it was cute that he took a picture of him.

Boating fun with Uncle Andy.

Mike's brother Andy was in town and took us boating. My kids totally loved it. It's been a long time since we have seen him. Once my kids were in the water it was hard to get them out. Then on the drive in Andy let Cameron drive the boat he really loved that. We sure miss you Andy, Thank you for taking us out. We had a blast. :)

Sisters and Brothers

I love my sisters. and Brother :) <3 Of course I love how my dad pulls faces in the background. :)

Mandy

As I was doing Mandy's hair she asked to do it like my hair, half pulled up. Okay, so I did. When I was done she kept turning her head from side to side as far as she could trying to look at herself in the mirror. I asked what she was doing, she said, "trying to look at the back of my hair." Oh, okay so I took out a little mirror and told her to use the little mirror to look in the big mirror. I turned her around and had her try it. She was moving the small mirror around, then stopped and started to giggle. I asked her why she was giggling. She said, "because I can see myself and I like my hair." Oh I love my kiddos.

holy smokes it's been awhile....

Well alot has happened since Januaray. Amanda has finished her kinergarten year. That was so fun, her teacher threw a pizza party for the kids and their families. Cameron has sprouted up tall, he is more talkative then ever. Its funny. We moved out of my parents house YAY!! We live in Sandy now and love it here.Amanda is going to start at a new school she is a little nervous but has very quickly made some friends in the neighborhood. So she will do great. I am going to post some pictures of our fun times. :) oh and MY SISTER IS HAVING A BABY!! Congrats Mouse. :)