The mental stress of an often thankless job

I've been a police officer for 5 years now.  I've seen it all- seen victims of all ages, genders, nationalities and everything in between.  I seen the face of true criminals, those who don't care and never will.  I've seen the faces of those who felt no other way but to make a bad choice.  I've seen the most entitled people think their bank accounts hold them and their entire family above all others including rule of law.  I've seen the simplest of people doing good things.  But above all, lately, I've seen hate.  Hate for me, more so what I stand for that me personally, but somehow that makes it personal to some people.

I've tried to find an outlet for the mental/emotional baggage I've been developing due to the current events and mass negativity targeted to law enforcement.  I've been subject to unfair judgement and the status of "outcast" in my own family because of my profession.  They probably don't even realize it.  I've taken comments on social media from people who were long-time friends, unfortunately we no longer are.

I've had dreams about quitting the LE world and going back into the office life.  The dreams seemed so positive and mostly stress free. But then I hear what I believe my father would tell me, not to let the bastards get ya down and I know he's right, my dad was always right.

Things are tough inside and out in the LE world.  I work for a small department where it seems that getting promoted is difficult and getting a raise is next to impossible.  I'm told I should be making more, at least at this stage in my career, yet the concept of starting over- at the bottom is as scary as leaving the profession altogether.

My department has now been involved in two officer involved shootings, one resulted in a friend's murder, the other- the loss of a suspect.  Not many small cities in Utah can say that, now we are part of the club and will most likely see protests and the like in our city.  I know what i'm thinking and it has something along the lines of it being worth it all or not, the the scale tipping towards the negative.

But, when all is said and done, I am many things imperfect, but at this stage in my life i'm not a quitter.  I'll pull out of the river of negativity and keep on keepin' on.  I read a post once that lays out the stages of a police officer.  I'm in stage two- the angry stage.  Its described as where cops hate everything, people, media, their bosses and all that.  Supposedly it lasts from around year four to seven. So I really only have to survive a few more years and I should be back in the swing of things.

Until then, I guess I can look forward to my own annoying whining and complaining, a probably change in employers and a strong search for quality time outside of work.  I'm not the most religious person in the world, but this is one of those times i'm looking towards that greater power to help get me through the low parts and help me keep the faith in what i'm doing.  After all, how many of us embark on a journey for the best and find out its not what we bargained for and maybe the best was several miles back.  I hope it doesn't lead to that.

Here's to that.